I fell asleep on the couch watching election coverage. Thought I was having a bad dream. Woke up in a nightmare and now I can’t get back to sleep.
Make America great again indeed. How so? To what era shall we turn back the clock Donny? To when my vote would not have counted? To when I was 3/5 of a person? To a short short 49 years ago when my marriage would not have been legal?
Those who know me know I don’t really do feelings, and I have no tolerance for fear or weakness. Now here at 5:00am, tapping away at my tablet because I am too numb to walk across the room to retrieve my laptop, this dragon hearted Aries is filled with terror and sadness. I’m sure I’ll get to outrage at some point, but feelings as a whole are new for me and I need to take it slowly lest my head explode.
Last week I had a dream that I was tearfully pleading with my husband not to leave the house the day after Election Day; so naturally when I woke up, I informed him of this and pleaded (though not tearfully) for him to stay home. I fully expected to feel silly and have a nice little Wednesday to ourselves. Maybe head out to the hamptons, as that’s our go-to plan when we have no plans. What a charmed life we live.
But no. Here I am grateful that we can shelter inside our little bunny hutch and try to come to terms with the bleak dystopian pussygrabbing hellscape developing outside our door.
In 11 years of marriage I have had exactly one encounter with an individual rockin a confederate flag and it was mild, somewhat amusing even. I am afraid now. Donald J Trump has made it ok to be racist. Ok to be homophobic (. . . scratch that, I’ll stick with bigoted. It’s not a phobia). Homo-bigoted, xeno-bigoted, xx-chromosome-bigoted. I know that sometimes, the only thing keeping me from punching someone in the throat, or screaming in someone’s face is that we live in a polite society (chortle) ok ok it’s because I’m too cute to get arrested.
So now that DT (as I will refer to him from now on #NotMyPresident) has made it ok, perfectly normal, nay, downright American, to dash all civilities and speak your mind! Act on your actions! Take our country back!! I feel fear. If 72 hour lockup was all that helped my brain keep my rowdy ass in check at times, WHAT is going to stop the next person who disagrees with my interracial marriage from expressing their displeasure physically? His run for the White House lifted every slimy rock in the garden and allowed all the wriggling scum to slither out into the light. So now, vindicated by his triumph, these “people” will feel as though they are acting on his authority. Empowered by President Knock-The-Crap-Out-Of-Em, these fringe groups will force their way into the mainstream. The more attention they get the more it will inspire others to follow suit.
Through writing this, I’d so far managed not to cry. But like an idiot, I decided to (wo)man up and watch what I could of the speech. He was thanking Hillary Clinton for her service to our country. It was those two words. Our country. It was like a punch in the gut. It felt like a threat. Because I know he doesn’t mean my family. My grandparents who brought their children here to build a better life. My brother who was also born here, but doesn’t wear the right skin color for unconditional acceptance. My friends who come from many countries across the globe and choose to make a life for themselves here, the formerly United States. My friends who love differently than I do.
As a woman, specifically a woman of color, we carry around so much. I was hoping a lady president would shed a little light, open an eye or two to the burdens we bear daily. But no. Instead I just. . .
I have been so fortunate in life never to have a faced racism head on; but now that it’s “cool” again I fear that is about to change. Thanks America. I fear.